"Obama out:" President Barack Obama's hilarious final White House correspondents' dinner speech

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cant say but know its true good evening everybody it is an honor to be here at my last and perhaps the last white house correspondent you all look great the end of the republic has never looked better i do apologize when i was little late tonight i was running on cpt which stands for jokes that white people should not make tip boarded up anyway here we are my eight final appearance in this unique about and i am excited this material works well im gonna use it at goldman sachs makes clear me some serious tubmans right this work my brilliant beautiful wife michelle was here tonight you look so happy be here its called practice its like learning do three minute planks she makes it look easy now but next year this time someone else will be standing here this very spot and its raining ones guess who she will be but yeah standing here i cant help but the reflective well some of eight years ago said it was time change the tone of politics in hindsight i clearly should have been more specific eight years ago i was young man full idealism vigor and let him in that gray grizzled counting down days till my death panel hilary once questioned whether id ready for a three am phone call now im awake anyway because i got go bathroom know invite somebody recently said me mister president you are so yesterday justin trudeau has completely replaced you hes so handsome hes so charming this is the future and said justin just give rest i resent that but meanwhile michelle has not aged day only way you can date her in photos is by looking at me take look here we are two thousand eight here we are few years later and this one is from two weeks ago so time passes in just six short months i will be officially lame duck which means congress now willow flat out reject my authority and republican leaders wont take my phone calls and this is going take some getting used to i its really gonna curve ball now know what to do with it of course fact for months now or congressional republicans and been saying theyre things i cannot do my final year unfortunately his dinner was not one of them but what does your house is another story you know who you are republicans factor i think weve got republican senators that tim scott and quarry garden theyre house which reminds me security bar the doors judge merritt garland come out i were gonna do this why do what red wedding but not just congress even some foreign leaders theyve been looking ahead dissipating my departure last week prince george showed up to our meeting in his bathrobe that was slap face clear breach of protocol although while england i did have lunch with your majesty the queen took performance shakespeare if likes with david cameron just case anybody is still debating whether on black enough other that settles the debate i will live it looked tough transition its hard key staffer now starting leave white house even reporters have left me savannah guthrie hes left white house press corps to host today show nora odonnell let briefing room to host cbs this morning jake tapper let journalism join cnn but prospect leaving white house is mixed bag you might heard someone jumped white house fence last week but i have give secret service credit they found michelle brought back she said she said back home now so one more month settlement and yet somehow spike omits turn in my final year my approval ratings keep going up well last time was the son astride decide on major that is the thing i i havent really done anything differently so up even my age cant explain the rising poll numbers what has changed nobody can figure out well worn anyway in this last year do have more appreciation for those whove been with me on this amazing ride like one of our finest public servants joe biden no one lumberjack i love you but really do want thank him for his friendship for his counsel for always given to me straight for not shooting anybody in face thank joe also would be remiss lets give up for host larry wilmore also known as one two black guys whos not jon stewart youre the self evident love i love letter and his parents here who are from evanston which is great time i also would like to acknowledge some of the award winning porters we have with us here tonight rachel mcadams mark ruffalo reassured her thank you all for everything that youve done im just joking as you know spotlight is a film movie about and thats get journalists with resources and autonomy to chase down truth and hold powerful accountable thats fantasy film since star wars look as maybe cheap shot i understand news business is tough these days changing all time every year at this dinner someone makes a joke about bus speed for example changing media landscape and every year washington posts lasts little bit less hard had scott silencer especially before krishnapur stable gop chairman rice previous is here as well well the thing that you feel that youve heard tonight all congratulations on all your success the republican party nomination process its all going great give up kendall jenner is also here and we had chance meet her backstage she seems like very nice young woman im not exactly sure what she does but i am told that my twitter mentions are about go through the roof helen mirren is here tonight i dont even have joker i just think helen mirren is awesome hes also sitting same table as mike bloomberg mike a combative controversial new york billionaire is leading the gop primary and does not you let us just little bit although its its not an entirely fair compares between you and dow after mike was big city mayor he knows policy in depth and is actually worth bamana money but says hes what unlike in season for example we got the bright new face of democratic party here tonight mister bernie sanders will you look like million bucks or put terms youll understand look like thirty seven thousand donations dollars each lot folks have been surprised by the bernie phenomena especially is appeal young people but not me i got it just recently young person came up me and said she was sick a politician standing way of her dreams there were actually gonna let my leah go burning man this year not gonna happen bernie my letter dont not us i am hurt no burning you been distancing yourself low from me mean thats just not something that you do your comrade bernie slogan helps campaign catch fire among young people feel the burn feel burn good song out hillary slogan has not had same affect those receivers yeah what im so damn much i admire who is tough smart policy chops experience you got minute ago hillary trying appeal to young voters well but like your relative who do facebook dear america you got my poke is good on the wall im not sure im using this right love and hillary its not totally persuasive meanwhile on republican side brings little more yeah sure we say this well more loose its like a confusion over the imitations to tonights dinner yes were asked check whether they wanted steak or fish but instead whole bunch review rhoden paul ryan thats not option people steak or fish you may not like steak or fish thats your choice meanwhile some candidates our polling high of qualify for their own joke tonight the rules were well established at time mothers ted cruz ted had tough week he went indiana whos your country stood on a basketball court and called the hoop a basketball ring what else is in his lexicon baseball sticks football hats were sure on form one let conclude tonight on more serious note want thank god was impressed score one thing carol for all that you do you free press central to our democracy and now im just getting you know lot talk about twelve we were just going stand there bill maher although a little hurt that hes not here tonight we have so much fun last time and it is surprising you got room full reporters celebrities cameras and he says no is this better too tacky for the donald what could he possibly be doing instead is it all eating a truck stake throwing out insults to undo myrtle whats it going the republican establishment is incredulous that he is the most likely nominee credulous shocking is it gonna lacks the foreign policy experience to president but fairness you have spent years meeting with leaders from around world sweden this argentina this azerbaijan and theres one area where donalds experience could be invaluable and thats closing guantanamo because trump knows thing two about running waterfront properties into the ground alright thats brought enough mean we have got more material no no only this country much time on them following your lead want show some restraint because i think we can all agree that from start hes gotten the appropriate amount coverage beat them in the seriousness of his candidacy hope all produce so but i want give this hotel business boost and now were playing bit cleveland makes it through july im he as for me them michelle we decide stay in dc for couple more years thank you this where youre his daughter could finish up high school show in st closer to plot of carrots shes already making plans to see them everyday take look but our decision has actually present bit dilemma because traditionally presidents dont stick around after theyre done and its something that been brooding about little bit take look the obamas staying in dc for two years after the president leaves office things about go from commander in chief checked pouch commander you chuck todd what am gonna do dc for two years and overblown mr okay golf everyday wish like better these committees joe the same capture different lose joining some focus here community aviator time thinks every not sorry whats up i i said mister president yeah id practical look you can drive again youre gonna needle prices you love sports one inch of altered work when the teacher this washing wizards i understand youre looking for some coaching help was to sag kosh why does take few times hello hello ready for finally some will be dc for awhile and thought id take drug whats the nam brock hussein obama well since dont have drivers life gonna need burst certain really really its really as a its really but it is talk show what default just get snapchat obamacare is great and its really working sign up now news michelle obama in hot water after posting this video earlier today obamacare is great no no we get lot years lenny im not fun enough when it just talk to somebody whos been through this i got a soul cycle shes right know i need talk to hey brought was going get together not that theres great yeah go got much now you want my first stop the enemy all these when did request and second heres beautiful thing youve got all the time world figure this out you can just be here for awhile if united luba so can just be me and can wear my mom jesus piece hate do yesterday i had beer eleven thirty morning little mcdonalds now for breakfast all day long you know shells come its been classroom shulman let go middle through long youll be able walk right out oval office swinging with pretty do not look be a yeah via plays on working your tail and in our finally got grand bargain one of sweet chevy tahoe for here looking for we forty seven round of golf for the year totally great gloria not cant think of reason to care will i im still waiting for all you respond my invitation connect to but until you have jobs to do which is what really brings us here tonight i know that there times that weve had differences thats inherent in our institutional roles thats true every president and his press corps but weve always share the same goal good to route our public discourse in truth they open doors this democracy to do whatever we can make country and our world more free and more just and ive always appreciated role that you have all played as equal partners in reaching the school our free press is why we once again recognize real journalists to uncover the horrifying scandal and brought some measure of justice with thousands victims throughout world they here with us tonight sasha pfeiffer mike resent us walter robinson met carol and ben brantley junior please give them big round applause free press is why once again that we honor jason zion carol noted last time this year we spoke through jasons purges the indoor the isolation of iran in prison here we see that courage flesh living testament very idea free press and reminder of rising level of danger political intimidation and physical threats faced by reporters overseas and i can make this commitment that as long as i hold this office my administration will continue fight for release of american journalists held against their will and we will not stop until we may see the same freedom as jason had at home broad journalists like all you engage dog pursuit of informing services and holding leaders accountable and making our government people possible and its enormous responsibility and realize its enormous challenges time when the economics business sometimes incentivize speed over dept and one controversy and conflict her what most immediately attract readers and viewers good news is theres so many of you better pushing against those trends and as citizen of this great democracy im grateful for that for this is also time around world when some fundamental ideals of liberal democracies are under attack and when notions of objectivity and of free press and facts and the evidence or trying be undermined or some cases ignored entirely in such climate its not enough just give people megaphone thats why your power and your responsibility to dig and question and counter distortions and untruths is more important than ever taking stand on behalf what is true does not require you shedding your objectivity fact it is the essence of good journalism affirms the idea that the only way we can build consensus only way that we can move forward country the only way we can help the world mend itself is by agreeing on baseline fax when comes to the challenges but confront us all so this might is testament to all you who devoted your lives to that idea push shine light on truth every single day so i wanna close my final warehouse corresponds dinner by just saying thank im very proud what youve done is been an honor and privilege to work side by side would you display them our democracy with that i just live two more words to say bomb out