New Cave Johnson Quotes from the new Portal 2 DLC

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welcome test subject its cave prime from earth one i am speaking to you from across time and space i am literally in the future i hold on what went wrong boom boom part my sister greg tells me none thats true got excited you first test subject we have ever sent into parallel universe which apparently has nothing do with time travel still exciting anyway you should be seeing test chamber front you we designed it those back water universe yokels built it and youre going test it remember you got let us know if works not otherwise wasting everybodys time on two arts i get to it okay here just know this mike isnt two way i can hear damn thing youre saying so dont waste any oxygen trying talk one when my sister greg says some these alternate earths may not have oxygen there might be nitrogen our methane are hell everybodys head might be inside out so just take little itty bitty breaths and if anybody asks you why your heads inside out remember its only inside out from their perspective and youre fine ed whats trouble wise you lot it and you should probably run alright enough hypotheticals lets test this test okay here matalan wow gregs multiple universe theory was dicey but youre pulling through with flying colors were all very proud greg no and you before we start testing today lets have our mandatory minimum silence in honor of earths governing body the sentient cloud starting now im good right all hail was sentient cloud begin testing ive just been notified that one our test subjects may have angered the sentient cloud by beginning testing early now as you all know the cloud has banned all camera technology hates getting its picture taken so this have be on honor system well whoever started testing early please go outside so they can be consumed by the cloud just heads up that clouds still waiting i dont think that things gonna go away so somebody might want get out there no no except there from one safety videos grizzly stuff very informative somebody does get out there soon were gonna have do lottery because believe me if we keep that cloud waiting much longer hes come in under doors and he will leech off all our skin okay here the real cave greg been crunching some numbers here on earth prime turns out likelihood of me being the only came who likes talking to test subjects is what the actual number greg right zero soul tell what were gonna use code word if i say chariots it means youre listening me otherwise its impostor cave i want know you have license to kill on this one one room yeah greg says that might destroy the entire multiverse point is use your own judgment license to get welcome gentlemen to aperture rituals astronauts war heroes olympians youre here because ancient mating ritual etched monolith by the elder monks to forestall the end days so who is ready make love to a giant bird okay johnson here just what what cafeteria staff know lay off song green holding memo from president turns out that soylent green is lets see here doubling in price now listen up i dont care how good people tastes this does costing more than lobster so going back fish sticks good luck executive committee added to thank gods cave someones not dance saying come on log test being confused not advance exemption dont make call dance police test subject can you hear me congratulations youre worlds first half man half machine police officer well first batch that was pretty big shoot out bought all your carcasses off mayor anyway you should be proud be part apertures android law enforcement initiative or someone whos good naming things i eat meat would call it robot no robot cop well its much better now before we get to solving crimes we gotta get solve this test promise marry make sure you werent all unstable potatohead before give you all guns come in rwanda cop its your chief first youre damn good cop second youre loose cannon i thats probably enough motivation oh before forget greg tells me you might be getting some tragic flashbacks your former life dont sweat does not yours due to software problem thats real time feed of gregs current life hes a sad little man anyway just try ignore him okay here chariots just heads up if it seems like youre walking faster than light youre probably universe where like doesnt hold nearly as much ass as does on earth one the lab boys say if you insist on walking faster than light you are one hundred percent going go back in time how far far enough meet great great grandfather and telling your fired because guess what i let you finish that thought welcome test prisoner to the terror three penal science colony space criminals political prisoners exiled planetary leaders youre here because galaxy needed place to put you and this is it so who is ready stay here until they die now you already met one another on hyperdrive over so let me introduce myself im cave johnson im warden around here attention test prisoners attempting to escape through the air ducts i know what nonsense you learned on tv but real life paradox just go the air conditioning unit also pretty dusty so got as much chances are gonna die up there and will smelling weeks because again the air ducts are the secret escape patch there how we ventilate the facility leon im gonna brief because on diet because got sick of lot i just wanted record that using force fields for doris into space prison is bad idea you know what better regular doors with locks locks that dont open when power goes out when his blue force fields look good though every time saw one thought wow i space still hador made out paper would even better long run but only slowed down second the body not escaping or shipping me get back to work okay does not appear objective when policy indiana have got some good does have some bad next does is where both parties dont have to definitely got details thank god im much better test for you fighting an army of manhattans just pick set of warranty experts mesothorax armored tubercle fix youll know when test starts its come my attention that over half our test subjects have only recently awoken from extended relaxation and were unaware that were testing space so there is no conspiracy no twist were gonna test satellite orbiting the earth commonly available information that absolutely anyone would have told you if youd bothered ask please stop forming groups of adventuring parties to uncover the big secret because its that were in space well much like we just had seal up science spear seven aubry another adventure party smashed through the hall to learn big mystery were busy doing that instead testing because i mentioned that we in space every half hour by the way still in space and another home breeze lets all give big hand the test subjects of spirit teennick uncovering the company wide conspiracy which that theres no air in space once again were in space not secret i am sincerely regretting my decision not to install windows this the hand welcome gentlemen the aperture hollow science jungle tramps hillbillies drifters youre here because you follow the hobo signs so who is ready to scrounge around for some science now you already met one another on boxcar over here so grab bowl slum golden glasses turno and let me introduce myself im michigan slam cave johnson who might know who can which gave greg tell me the number possible alternate universes is literally infinite maybe theres one where around all greeks won world war two just heads up case get to test chamber and find yourself surrounded by earns no chariots yeah that shrieking voice you just heard is the lovely block barred by assistant shes the backbone this facility sorry fellas shes married to producing seeds that germinate detached from her exoskeleton high speeds search human host we keep by glass no test subjects good news first our telekinesis incubation program has been huge success bad news candidate screening process was lot less successful let tell you we picked real watch smart aleck to give mine powers to thanks stop blowing up pads actually know what negotiations over id like you all meet terry all real funny guys but jokes on you i taped all your paychecks to terrys head ha let put that your head and blow up thats right everybody its that time of year again happy birthday you know the rules everybody at the government mandated maximum age news report to ethnological redundancy associate toot sweet files here the following is complete list employees need stop it im dorothy russell age ninety eight endless sorry about that door that you had good ninety seven years time stop hogging resources lisa nutrient based rest us why dont dave johnson age fifty one were done here cave johnson junior claims representative for aperture science here whelp former junior claims representative just found out got laid off well i just need their recording office and let everybody know our president that creek dagu rat and is embezzling funds enjoy your christmas bonuses knowing he took most them jerks okay johnson here the management have officially taken over building if can get out get out now got that one aids cave johnson here i see you i see your little fee quick cut off your hair and put on your feet and eat your little hair what no and feet im yeah well again i pastor andras one greg i told not to let your creepy kid my office no no im sorry gregg but there is something wrong with that kid well past four have her why she whispered all time they test subject just keep going chariots chariots men have kids greedy jerry its okay johnson here reminding fill out paperwork for full payment once youre done testing the check may seem exorbitant but you deserve it chariots chariots okay johnson if you get through this next room youll get bonus and thats on top bonus gave this morning that dont like me because youre the real boss why because you teach me something new everyday chariots you test subjects are best my gosh chariots this is cave prime so apparently theres alternate dimension cave johnson who just uses word chariots for no reason from now on all say chariots twice if its me if youre just one chariot thats an alternate cave okay chariot chariot hello test subject cave johnson here founder and ceo of aperture science the best damn applied sciences company on earth how good is science here get load this im dead now youre probably asking yourself cave how that possible are you some manner of dracula or frankenstein orp depending on your cultural heritage job black yellow or up latin frankensteins nope just science as this morning i have been resurrected inside computer that aside situation normal soap continue testing just warning to test subjects right boys told that massive influx of information receive they transferred my consciousness into stadium size supercomputer what turned crazy so whats gonna warning greg boys are no longer working here so if they were doing something for you thats not getting done okay again now amid losing my body does have its drawbacks but got its perks too as being pure intellect ive not got time read the entire literary canon human race here go and am done continue testing your intellect cave here not brag but while you work casting that last test rewrote collected works of everything ever thought and reduced garbage for eternity might well and prove it so next time curl up with time honored classic and think yourself man i do not remember the brothers karamazov busting so many ghosts you can thank yours truly theres question for you who is not afraid no ghosts as of just now every character every book by virginia woolf man those things were dull okay again what one thing that could never ever ever ever in million years get boring if said busting ghosts tragically youd wrong was almost all through the ws when bloom came off that rose heathcliff was defending moonbase whether heights from crafty poltergeist when realized exploring the vast realm of pure electives boring its boring you what id really like do like scratch my nose ive been thinking what greg was right what if injecting my consciousness into computer robbed me of eternal reward spiritually speaking alright just read up on it stumbled book about fellow who lived thousands years ago sacrifice himself to save mankind well by name hercules destroyed all worlds monsters so human to be safe and what to olympus for his trouble dammit death was my monster and killed it my olympus unless aperture was monster aperture and everybody in sight holy hercules i just thought something keep testing or dont dont matter ill back whoa chariots chariots for some reason some the audio was bleeding through this universe dont youre catching subtext there but that computer kate is cool lazy so greg was right as of now we canceling the genetic lifeform and disk operating system initiative point that gonna backfired anyway this earth is far too dangerous and we are pulling you out right after this test welcome gentlemen to aperture paranormal magicians which use crystal healing doctors youre here because you have scary powers and we want in on it so whos ready to draw some pentagrams now you already met one another on cab ride over so let me introduce myself im cave johnson im host tiny but powerful demon lives secret place my mouth cave johnson again just heads up you are currently tiny test chamber floating around my bloodstream remember if you see giant set car keys those mine lab boys shrunken part way down before could stop them no idea that was for science or if they just having one on old cave but either way dont find those things pretty soon gonna have call triple a hello to subject that you no doubt aware the president is being held hostage inside the giant super prison floor atlantic ocean every science facility in america has been tasked with producing tough guy capable of breaking into supermax lantis thats where you come in im nominating myself gonna need some references it just associates should around soon get quote off you so be as glowing as possible quick update all those pods were finding broom closets apparently some alien monster was body snatching employees and spotting communist replicas the allegorical threat level this once through the roof actual threat levels pretty nonexistent though so we decided not do anything about if worst this thing do was just glassy eyed yes man i say bring on by guys i whole list troublemakers can pot up anytime like yeah how the army on on aisle now the army on albion meow meow okay johnson new owner and ceo of black mesa thats right you been bought first order business where renaming you under the aperture brand im leaning towards black but youre mesa marketing boys think something else soap black majorities next they tell me you people conducting some anomalous materials research that could result residence cascade so im shutting that down before you idiots and world a residence cascade disposed scientists use some common sense why anniyan johnson here is one let know that after decades research and testing well finally transformed to beings pure light goatee exactly what we were after course but in ballpark so lets keep testing and maybe someday well achieve mans ultimate dream to evolve into pillars pure salt cant wait so salty jerry jarrett by way you can make bit mess these rooms if want scuff your shoes are stick gum on walls because these alternate cave johnsons really cheeses me off cave johnson again just heads up we got interpersonal charity breach one test areas you all enjoyed good chocolate caves expense when started monitoring for parallel universe invasions you all try to stop me when tried garnish your wages build defenses against said invasion succeeded too so hope youre happy got bogey from earth one loose on premises go write letter the better business bureau about that why dont you actually dont what do like know what invaders from earth one are up to inside our facility i dont blame you that itd be fascinating stuff but we dont have any multiverse invasion monitoring equipment asked for it told was stupid anyway i hope these monsters replace our air with chlorine finally give you cry babies the cry about just quick update attack killer rants apparently they tried commandeer the entirety of our nations sugar reserves kentucky big fire fight for children knocks at your seat stop anyway thats far made through the movie before fell asleep so if anybody seen attack killer rants dont spoil the ending youre fired by way jerry chariot hi mister tell me doctors say going pull through but he would just finish this test i bet we could like this thing okay rina johnson here its come my attention that one you was sent letter to the supreme council matriarchs accusing me being man so how one was sure both you and the gender regulatory committee that i am indeed one hundred percent all woman and dont believe me i swear god i will beat you what greg ten one sally sue greg tells me that we will all exchange handmade sympathy cards discussing how we feel about issue alright lets do some lady science i sincerely hope youre not allergic to air our peanut dust ventilator broken his wings atmosphere is only sixty percent peanut dust hates me the real me up various jarretts anyway it appears the test chambers in our dimension are being tested on looks like another alternate universe cave johnson is using same trick i am if you see that one we punch him throat for me but make sure its him and not me or youre fired jerry is jerry its we problem that alternate cave johnson is using all our test chambers now we take care things here for awhile so youre on your own try remember the test so we can write all down later how we got to you white that real deal from our dimension chariots chariots its cave seriously up all week infinite alternate dimensions you happen wind up randomly and ours again okay just get through this test and be very careful not mess anything up thank cherries jurors just thought should know that sick boy from couple verse ago we kept monitoring that because man that was riveting and he did make it good tried all we were virtually all pulling for him various chariots dammit now weve got to testers here from another dammers we had one cornered then other one just portal them out there than high five then went their separate ways im gonna get test double quick make sure were messing them up badly as are messing us up here the tension chariots chariots there are at least six extra dimensional testers here now the beyond us theyre not even really testing anymore they just all portal then made human pyramid ate my lunch and portal out jerry is just look at me apparently this other earth has portal guns that can make portals on anything we got guys just walking along and suddenly portal opens beneath them and fall out wall im thinking maybe we should just work out truce ill let know if we can get touch with this evil cave johnson terrys chariots okay greg managed contact cave johnson who keep sending testers here and weve agreed no more testing each others dimensions will get back here asap hello test subject just heads up our research into stopping all godzilla attacks on u s soil has been postponed indefinitely turns out doesnt matter where you hatch nest full of godzillas they just make beeline straight tokyo who has seen those things go anyway crisis averted now theyre gonna grab dustpan and broom we gonna get rid all these egg shells before nuclear regulatory commission shows up break one nine big box cave johnson here hold freight figure with loaded cold winds in wagon down texarkana got twenty eight hours get this done so ill put my hammer down anybody here the sick bushes and give your ten twenty also test subjects gone for twenty eight hours just on your own account cave johnson world one curious chariots whoever this alternate cave johnson is hes jerk instead sending us the apology fruit assortment promised he just a whole bunch of angry wasps well find way get back dont worry you keep testing and dont be afraid get messy with it well just see who wins this deadly game of cat and other cat jerry is jerry its okay now the other cave has sent huge block of frozen urine too big for us get out multiverse device so we just have let it melt until we could wedge it out incidentally if you come across dimension where people eat nothing but asparagus im guessing thats where nemesis is so keep your eyes peeled for that okay johnson here i need to do not listen this man hes the other cave johnson hes impostor nothing imposter imposter cherries chariots yeah chariots jerrys chariots just keep testing also list now ill settle this shot you and you keep testing alright i think we shut down imposter caves calmly youd like think that wouldnt dammit stop impossible never use stubborn handsome devil its come my attention that theres pair sunglasses floating around this place let you see the subliminal propaganda we painstakingly hidden on every visible surface look people the reason motivational propaganda works is because youre not staring straight at thats all point but but why dont everybodys too cool to be subliminally propagandized feel free wear your magic sunglasses all damn day motivate yourself from now on that not that well dark gave you are the only one around here who gets me a day i havent had conversation this damn good sit hold on i got up talk help thank you chariots chariots keep testing hey dark cave okay prime as i live and breathe methane listen gonna greg your universe you want one greg call back wouldnt send you dark cave are i would greg is on table okay johnson here just reminder that core goal of aperture gas finding sciences find gas so make sure let know see any if meet quarterly guess finding target promise you we will don our bondage gear fuel our death cars and drive round circles whooping up and shooting arrows at people who is ready to rule the wasteland id start looking how long term subject thank god dont you did your first test on your overseer cave johnson and i think you keep testing you might find something very interesting about this planet its me im planner who live on me want save for later but managed just too darn good you really would have seen coming do you think dont tell any other tests also dont pollute various chariots according greg theoretically theres an earth out there made entirely of money plus since theres infinite number verse that means theres infinite number money planets so ive done math figure the odds finding this thing one hundred percent not now greg that doesnt mean want stop testing but do keep eye out for money verse and let be clear im talking about you as currency you find pace oversee just keep walking jerrys chariots chariots dark cape fear listen you find money verse you bring me ill take care you you wanna be promoted head testing done you want asparagus rations doubled couple some strings model methane you can breed not problem remember money verse dark cave asparagus lots of it nuff said jerrys chariots okay prime here i hear you been brokering deal with that other cave so heres what want do find your alternate self stealing stuff put in box and theres parking lot walk the box out to it because youre fired jerrys chariots cave johnson here alright gregs informed this is not best time fire you but you are talking that other cave let just remind you who you work for serious serious chariots and let me remind whos offering nothing terraced areas look whatever hes offering ill double it right how we pick for methane during martin are what use all for evil cave again i think your choice is clear here subject not clear not clear keep testing okay prime here dark cave here while you were busy driving wedge between us with your bidding war dark caves test subject found to money verses and gonna split up so theres no reason offload are testing to alternate earths anymore funding test chamber construction is no longer problem you what else is the problem gold teeth greg look these choppers at that now show me yours man you got tiny teeth greg anyway good news is were ready start phase two figuring out way bring you back gregs going sink his weird little teeth into that problem due to itself next time you enter test chamber youll back here on terra firma prime hey greg it worked welcome back test subject now get back work this because we only universe made money doesnt mean i made money dave johnson were done here